This weird thing happened today.

I’m sitting in a restaurant waiting for my best friend Kelly Kate’s shift to end. I’m eating edamame in an extremely juvenile manner. I am picking up the pods and holding them between my inky fingers with their stupid little chewed up nails and I am squeezing, hard, until the beans pop out one by one and fly into the air. I can usually catch them in my mouth but i miss a few and they always fall onto the plate, so I save them in a little pile for when I run out of pods to destroy. There is only one other table in this half of the restaurant, and the women seated there are so mean and full of shit and at some point I can’t even stand to eavesdrop on their disgustingly vapid conversation (in which one of them haughtily declares “I would never swim in a natural body of water”) anymore. So I pick up another pod and I squeeze, but this time I’m distracted and the thingy flies out and lands right in the mean lady’s perfectly coiffed hair and she doesn’t even notice!!!!!!! And I laugh to myself really hard and then eat the rest of my edamame the normal way and then Kelly’s shift ends and I don’t tell her what happened because I fear that my lack of tact and/or charisma of any kind (the fact that I am simply a clumsy person) will embarrass her.

Then I break the toilet paper dispenser in the restaurant’s bathroom and I decide that I am most definitely a terrible friend.

Kelly, I’m sorry. Today was just not my day.